A nasty divorce doesn’t define you

I’m a divorcee…there I said it. 

How many of you have gone through a divorce? Or perhaps it’s just a thought running through your mind because your marriage isn’t what you thought it would be, but you are too scared to do anything about it?

You aren’t alone. I am a divorcee, a mum of 2 and a businesswoman, and it was my decision. 

I realized more than a year before I told my husband I wanted a divorce that I wasn’t happy. I have always been independent, confident, and strong, but somewhere along the way I became a person I didn’t recognize anymore.  He made me doubt every single thing I did as a wife, a mother and a businesswoman. I not only lost my confidence, but my passion for life. I started to feel numb to everything – I went through the motions of life without feeling excited, passionate, or happy. 

Then in 2017, 7 years after the wedding, a switch was flipped. I now realise when the beginning of the end of the marriage began.

It was the day my nan died. The sudden death of the strong and kind woman who I was very close to, even though we lived 300 miles apart, left me in pieces. Yet I was not ready for what was coming. My husband, father of my children, my closest family for more than 10 years decided it was inconvenient for us both to go to the funeral because of distance and the children. Being down from the loss of my loved nan still didn’t show me how disrespectful and controlling my husband’s behaviour actually was.

I was to wake up very soon. It was shortly after on my solo work trip to Vegas…and not for the reasons you think 😉 I ended up in A&E in Las Vegas with heart palpitations, with a work associate supporting me on the ambulance ride. My husband would not speak to me on the phone as it was inconvenient timing to speak! When I did get a call back a couple of hours later, I listened to a 20 minute barrage of shouting about how it was all my fault and I needed to slow down etc

(Fast forward to 10 months later, and I had heart surgery to fix the problem with my heart which was NOT caused by my “crazy” life.)

I was so afraid of breaking up my family and the impact it might have on my kids that it took another 4 months after the Vegas incident for me to get the courage to tell him it was over. Nothing was ever good enough and this spilled over into public displays of disdain from him, which was in the past hidden from friends and family. Everything I did around the home was wrong and before I knew it, he had taken control over everything!  The money, running the house, all decisions. 

When I told him it was over, it didn’t come off the back of an argument, (of which we had hundreds over the year), I just knew – I couldn’t take it anymore and I was worth more than the life I had. He didn’t believe it and thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

Telling my family was just as hard. I was afraid. Divorce doesn’t happen in my family.  My parents were very unhappy, my aunt thought I was wrong and needed counselling but my siblings were relieved. They saw everything and wondered how I stayed married to him for so many years! 

Life changing decisions aren’t easy, but when you know in your heart and soul that they are right, you have to follow those instincts. Womens intuition is barely wrong.

In the last 2 years (2018-2020) I’ve gone through hell and back. Me and my kids slept in a converted garage at my sister’s house for a year while he slept in a 5 bed detached house and I’ve spent over £20,000 fighting him in court but you know what, I wouldn’t change my decision at all. 

I realise that he was the problem not me. He was, and still is controlling. He has narcissistic qualities which I had ignored over the years and while he continues to try to make my life hell at any single chance, I found me again and he can never ever take that away from me. 

Whilst fighting hard over the last couple of years, I have managed to build my consultancy business, double my income and bought a beautiful family home. 

While on a women’s panel at a conference last year, a girl came up to me and told me I was inspiring and she would love to connect and see how I can help her in her career progression. This girl and her confidence to approach me, was so inspiring and made me realise every time I speak about women in business my whole presence lights up. I am passionate and driven and inspired from everything I have built and everything I have gone through and why I am here telling you my story.

If I can inspire you with my story and remind you how you too can have a life you deserve then I have achieved my goal.

I feel happy and blessed and believe that everything happens for a reason. This journey has made me who I am today and why I am here telling my story so you know that it WILL be ok. YOU will be ok. Stay strong, stay true to yourself and remember that you deserve the best from life.